Communicating Priorities with Your Partner

What happens when your priorities don’t align with your partner’s? In this episode, we explore how to have constructive, compassionate conversations that honor both people’s needs. You’ll learn practical strategies for timing difficult talks, listening without defensiveness, and moving from “me” to “we” thinking — all in the service of finding truly win-win solutions. 

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The information contained and documents referenced in the podcast “Your Priority Centered Life” are for entertainment, educational and informational purposes only, and are not intended as, and shall not be understood or construed as, professional medical or health treatment, diagnosis, or advice. We strongly encourage listeners to consult with medical providers or qualified mental health providers with issues and questions regarding any physical and/or mental health symptoms or concerns that they may have. Furthermore, the opinions and views expressed by podcast guests, partners and/or affiliates are not necessarily those of the podcast host. Dr. Alise Murray’s opinions and views are expressed in her individual capacity and are not to be construed as those of any of her podcast guests, partners and/or affiliates.

Transcript

Hi. I thought that we could talk today about what to do when you're trying to live a priority-centered life. And of course, we've talked about how it's not only important to identify what your priorities are, but also how you can communicate these to others so they can support you — your partner, your employer, and so forth.

I wanted to look at partner relationships today and explore what you can do to communicate your priorities, while also being attentive to theirs. What happens if the two of you are pursuing different things? The goal is to really focus on the idea of “we” and to look for a win-win type of solution.

Research shows that couples who are unhappy tend to say “we” a lot less in conversations. For example, when talking with others, they might say, “I'm going on a little vacation in November,” instead of, “We are going on a little vacation in November,” even if they’re planning to go with their partner. They're simply not including the “we” as much in conversation — and probably not in their thinking either.

It’s important to avoid the mindset often found in unhappy relationships, where it becomes about who is going to win, or proving that you're right. Thinking in terms of scorekeeping or only giving when the other person gives back sets up a dynamic that leads to disconnection.

If you want to improve your relationship, think in terms of “we.” Focus on win-win outcomes. Let go of keeping score or insisting on fairness at every turn. Sometimes things will feel lopsided, and that’s just the nature of relationships. Over time, it tends to even out. This requires a degree of trust.

One helpful question to ask yourself is: how would I behave if my partner were exactly the way I wanted them to be? Chances are, you’d likely be more generous, more kind, and more communicative. Maybe try doing some of those things now, instead of waiting for your partner to become that ideal version.

Let’s circle back to the idea of having a conversation about something that matters to you, and how to increase the odds of a positive outcome. One key is timing. Have the conversation when both of you have the energy for it and are unlikely to be interrupted. Don’t squeeze it in before one of you has to rush out the door. If that means arranging a playdate for the kids or turning off phones and the TV, do that.

When you’re ready, you might start by saying something like, “I was hoping we could have a conversation about my career and what I want to do next. I’d love to talk about how we can navigate that together.” From there, make sure the conversation includes taking turns. One person speaks, the other listens. Think of it like a talking stick.

For example, if you say, “I’m hoping to take this course, which means I’ll be working Monday and Wednesday evenings to get this certification,” your partner may want to respond right away with, “I don’t see how that’s going to work if you’re not home.” But ideally, they wait until you’ve had a chance to fully express your thoughts.

That can be hard, even with help. I’ve worked with couples who struggled to take turns even with me in the room to guide them. So you might say, “I’d really like us to take turns. I really want to hear what you think, but if you could hold your questions until I get my thoughts out, I’d appreciate it.”

When you express what you want, be clear. Paint a vivid picture: what it is you’re asking for, why it matters, how you see it positively impacting your life and relationship, and what it would mean to you emotionally or symbolically.

For example, maybe it’s not just about a certification. Maybe it’s about finishing something you’ve started. You might say, “I’ve signed up for these trainings before and never finished. Each time, I feel like someone who just can’t follow through. It would mean so much to prove to myself that I can see something through from start to finish.”

If your partner starts to express concerns — for instance, “I don’t see how that’s going to work. I’d be responsible for a bunch of things on those evenings, and I’m already exhausted after work” — do your best not to interrupt. Just listen. This is where you move toward win-win possibilities.

If something isn’t clear to you, ask questions. But avoid the word “why,” since it can make people defensive. Instead, try saying, “Can you tell me more about that?” or “Help me understand what you’re picturing.” Then, reflect back what you heard: “So you’re saying that on Monday and Wednesday nights you’d be doing A, B, C, D, and E, and you’re worried that you won’t have the energy to do all of that. Does that sound right? Am I missing anything?”

Once your partner feels heard, you can begin brainstorming. Make it collaborative and low-pressure. You might say, “Let’s come up with some ideas. Nothing has to be perfect — we’re just throwing out possibilities.” Write everything down, or use a voice note or app that can transcribe the conversation.

Then see if there’s something you’re both willing to try. Maybe one person takes on more of the load on Thursdays and Fridays. You might try that for two weeks. That’s often a good time frame — long enough to get a sense of how it’s going, but short enough to stay flexible.

It’s also important to follow up. Many people try a plan, hit a bump, and give up. But often, it just needs a small tweak or clearer communication. Maybe something got forgotten, or someone misunderstood. If you try something and it doesn’t work, revisit your list and try something else.

And be sure to write down what you agree on. That way, if something doesn’t happen, you can say, “I’m confused — I thought we had agreed this would happen on Wednesdays,” instead of, “You said you’d do it,” which often leads to defensiveness. Keep the tone collaborative: “I’m confused” is a lot gentler than “You didn’t.”

Sometimes, you’ll face a situation where it really feels like one person wins and the other loses. Maybe one person wants to take a job in Santa Fe, and the other hates the idea of living there. It might feel like there’s no solution. But even then, you might be able to find common ground. For example, you could agree to try it for two years and then reassess — and stick to that agreement.

Or you could find ways to make the move feel more like a trade-off. Maybe your partner has always wanted to join a choir, and you could support that by handling things at home on rehearsal nights. It may not feel perfectly even, but the point is to demonstrate care and keep things from becoming a competition.

Keep coming back to the question, “How are we doing with this? How do we both feel about this solution?” The more you approach things with that spirit of “we,” the more you're creating the conditions for a strong and happy relationship.

Alright — have a great week.