Episode 128: Self-Confidence, Pt. 2: Dealing With Energy Vampires

We all have had people in our lives who help us feel good about ourselves. In this episode, we talk about relationships that can have the opposite effect on our self- confidence. We will also take a look at emotional contagion and how being around people who are negative can make us more vulnerable to feeling more depressed. Learn how to be in relationship with people who have a more pessimistic outlook while protecting your self-worth and happiness.

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The information contained and documents referenced in the podcast “Your Priority Centered Life” are for entertainment, educational and informational purposes only, and are not intended as, and shall not be understood or construed as, professional medical or health treatment, diagnosis, or advice. We strongly encourage listeners to consult with medical providers or qualified mental health providers with issues and questions regarding any physical and/or mental health symptoms or concerns that they may have. Furthermore, the opinions and views expressed by podcast guests, partners and/or affiliates are not necessarily those of the podcast host. Dr. Alise Murray’s opinions and views are expressed in her individual capacity and are not to be construed as those of any of her podcast guests, partners and/or affiliates.

Transcript

(Transcript is autogenerated and may contain minor errors.)

Hi, welcome back. We are continuing our series on self confidence. Last time we talked about the role of the body in being confident, and today we are talking about the interpersonal side of things, the company you keep, and how that can influence your self confidence and your ability to move forward in living a priority centered life.

So there's something called emotional contagion.   What this refers to is the fact that depression, for example, can actually be contagious, um, contagious in the sense that obviously it is not like an airborne disease or anything like that, but when somebody is depressed, research tells us That there are certain things that happen in their demeanor, , where they can make less eye contact, for example. As we talked about last time, facial expression can be More down. Posture can be more slumped,  there can be more negative talk, more talk about, things are never going to work out, I'm not going to be successful, and so forth, can all be parts of depression, and I'm sure for a lot of us, we have experienced depression, and we know all about this, and what this can feel like.

When we're talking about emotional contagion, what we're talking about is the fact that, for example, there are what are called mirror neurons in our brains in the amygdala.  Remember the amygdala is responsible for fight or flight as well as other emotional responses. The amygdala is also largely responsible for empathy. And so when we are in the company of someone who is more negative, , kind of looking at things, uh, glass half empty and so forth.  Then we can, in turn, quite naturally, start to mimic this. This is something that humans do. And it can be unconscious, so, we want to be careful.

 I don't mean to suggest that if you know people who are more on the depressed or negative side, you should cut off contact with them. I'm just saying we want to be cautious about the company we keep. If you're wanting to live a life that is more in line with your personal priorities, that's going to take feeling like I matter and my life matters. And that, in turn, is going to require that you have more of a can do attitude. If you are spending a lot of time around people who tend to be more like, you know, that's not going to work, and things never work that way,   people who don't really believe that,  things are going to work out, then that can really start to rub off on us. And that in turn can make us feel like, even if we're not consciously aware of it, feel like, you know, maybe they're right. Maybe I don't really deserve. To be working toward what's important to me. Maybe I need to knock this project off.  And so it can set up like a negative feedback loop and we don't want that. 

 Another way to think of it is like, if you think about we all have certain people in our lives, sadly, who one might term,  being energy vampires, , folks who,  are talking very negatively about things and we try to be helpful. We try to cheer them up and they get into yes, butting. Yeah, but that's that's not me. Yeah, but that's not going to work. Yeah, but I've tried that before and and they continue. Okay, and that can be really challenging if you're trying to maintain an attitude that's going to move you ahead in living a more fulfilling life.

So what do we do? If you're a caring person, , this might make you wince,  it's like, you know, I, I do know people like that in my life. I don't want to cut them off.  Yeah, fair enough.  I think, however, that   it's important to remember we all have the same amount of time available to us and we all have a finite amount of energy available to us. We all have the same 168 hours a week and you are in the driver's seat of your own life. You can make decisions about, how do I want to spend that time?  Sometimes when you stop and you think about how much of your time, and even more important, how much of your energy  is consumed in your interactions with negative people, it's, it's something to think about.

 If you feel like there's more of that time going that direction than maybe is optimal, feeling less motivated, more exhausted,  then it is entirely within your right to be able to make your own decisions around how much time to spend with these people. So you can think about, for instance, so, you know, what would be optimal for you? Maybe you want to reduce the time. Spent with them. Maybe you want to focus the time on activity that is less likely to go down into a negative spiral. 

And this is especially important if you are excited about a project that is  It's going to be, it's a passion project. It's going to really require a lot of your energy. It's going to really be putting yourself out there and taking risks. Then, for example, you may not want to share a lot about this passion project with people that you know are going to be naysayers.

 For example, if you're starting your own business and they treat this as  your little job, your your little hobby that you're hoping to make a couple of dollars with,  then that might be someone where it's like, you could absolutely spend time talking with them about other things, but maybe that particular subject,  maybe you don't want to get into that. 

 Some folks are just going to be more negative about certain things.  It's like, okay, maybe we don't want to talk politics with Uncle Phil.  Because the rest of the time, he's pretty fun to be around, but when you get him on politics Watch out, you know, sometimes you can manage it that way, where if somebody starts to get into a topic where you know, it's going to be, , dragging them down, , , depending upon your relationship, you could say, you know, Uncle Phil, do we really want to be spending our, our time talking about this?  Maybe we could talk about something a little bit more upbeat or,  being more, blunt, maybe, and just saying,  you know, this topic makes me uncomfortable. I'd really prefer that we talk about something else. Okay?   If they are unwilling to change the subject, and they go on and on, then sometimes you just need to gracefully exit the conversation and just say,  you know, I need to wrap this up.  And if they repeatedly hear, I don't want to talk about that, hopefully they will get the message. 

 If on the other hand, somebody is more persistently negative. A way you can express caring is to encourage them to get some professional help for that   if somebody is persistently gloomy there's certainly an excellent chance that they are depressed or highly anxious and so it's really an act of kindness to encourage them. To get some professional help, to perhaps, if you feel like it, you can offer to go with them to a first appointment or, or what have you. 

The point being,  you can offer a resource without being the resource. And this is something that I used to repeat to myself over and over again because I wanted to be everybody's resource and it just taps you out. So I kept reminding myself. Offer a resource, don't be a resource, more than is really Appropriate for my energy and I would keep lists of resources handy, you know, things that people would ask me for repeatedly.

 So if this topic is causing you some discomfort, I, I hear you, it's not easy to think sometimes about limiting your amount of time with people. For instance, if it's , a close friend or a close relative,  if it's more of a pervasive negative attitude,  You can repeatedly say,   I think that a therapist can really be helpful with this and they, they may not want to hear that. But again, it's an act of kindness. You're not a professional and  you can truly be helpful to them. If they're not willing to get help, then I think you don't want to get caught on the yes, but train. I'm saying, well, why not, you know, get into therapy? Yeah, but that's, that's not going to work. Well, what about this self help book? Yeah, I, I don't like reading, , you don't want to like keep offering ideas and then they, they go thumbs down on all of them because that's going to burn you out. So I think have a mental limit in mind and then just say, well, you know, I hope things work out for you and gracefully exit the conversation  because It's just not fair to you to be drained like that.  You want to create space in your life for people who are going to be supportive, for people who are going to lift you up, for relationships that feel like there's give and not just I give, they take. 

 In fact,  one research study actually revealed that we tend to change half of our friendships every seven years or so.  Not just for this reason, but for various reasons    there is more turnover than you might think in our relationships.  So I think,  it's important to remember that,  the importance of really looking at the company you keep, looking at  how much of the time my spending with people who are lifting me up, people who are encouraging me, people who are optimistic, who are motivated, who are excited for me when I'm focusing on my priorities.

The more that you feel like, I don't want to,  share this. I don't want to share that. A little bit of that is going to happen in relationships, but , the more you feel like that, the more you feel like I can't talk about my business, I can't talk about my marriage, I can't talk about my kids, whatever, then it starts to feel like you don't have that opportunity for that positive mirror neuron,  that Supportive experience.

So I really encourage you to think about, maybe make a list of who are the people that I'm spending a lot of time with. And how do I feel about those relationships? Are there people that I want to invite into my life more because they are going to lift me up, boost my confidence and help me in moving toward the life that I want.  On the other hand, people who are draining me, people who are not supporting me, people  who put me down in particular. You don't want to create space for that.

 Then really thinking about how can I move back from those relationships with maybe less frequent contact, less intimate contact, keeping things less personal.  ,  what would that look like?  Remembering that we only have a finite amount of energy. We only have a finite amount of time. And that time is precious. 

So next time, we're going to be talking about the labels that we put upon ourselves and how that can affect us in terms of our motivation and confidence. See you next time.