Episode 120: The BS of New Year, New Me

Every January, we have anticipation about what the new year may hold, and we can get caught up in a wave of "New Year, New Me". This is the very type of thinking that can shackle us and keep us from experiencing the growth we want because it comes from a place of judgment. Learn how to deal with your inner critic (we all have one, myself included!) with kindness and how to give yourself the support and encouragement you need to realize your dreams.

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The information contained and documents referenced in the podcast “Your Priority Centered Life” are for entertainment, educational and informational purposes only, and are not intended as, and shall not be understood or construed as, professional medical or health treatment, diagnosis, or advice. We strongly encourage listeners to consult with medical providers or qualified mental health providers with issues and questions regarding any physical and/or mental health symptoms or concerns that they may have. Furthermore, the opinions and views expressed by podcast guests, partners and/or affiliates are not necessarily those of the podcast host. Dr. Alise Murray’s opinions and views are expressed in her individual capacity and are not to be construed as those of any of her podcast guests, partners and/or affiliates.

Transcript

(Transcript is autogenerated and may contain minor errors.)
 Hello. Hello. Happy Friday. I hope you've had a great week. I am joining you a little bit later this week because  honestly, this topic is so important to me. I just really wanted to marinate on it a bit more. So,  it's Friday and I wanted to talk about  The BS that is New Year, New Me, okay?

Because I've been listening to my clients, and listening to my yoga students, this being January, and just the things that they've brought to the table, the things that they want to accomplish, and it tends to, very often, be a variation of this, a variation of new year, new me,  things like,  “I don't know how other people do it, I'm so disorganized, my house is a mess,  I can't stay away from sugar.

I've got to get this weight off. I'm always snapping at my kids. It has to stop. I'm so inflexible. I have to get back into yoga. “ This sort of thing. And sometimes, they want me to be a drill sergeant with them. When I ask, “how can I help?” They say, “I need accountability. Because I self sabotage. I'm lazy. I put things off.

I need you to not let me keep getting away with this.” 

 If you're nodding along and saying, yeah,  that sounds familiar. That sounds like me. I am sick of this. I want something different in 2025.  I have to tell you, this mindset will keep you stuck. It will keep you from moving toward the best version of yourself.

If you want to experience real change, whether it's with exercise or your marriage or your job, whatever. Okay? It comes down to one thing.  Being a good friend to yourself.  Have you ever been in a relationship with someone where you've shared the pain of something not going the way you want in your life?

In other words, the pain of being human… and they've responded in a way you didn't expect. They've responded with criticism.  “You just need willpower. Why can't you do this? Other people do this and they succeed.”  If you have someone in your life who talks to you this way, I hope you let them know today that you don't appreciate this kind of talk, or you put distance between yourself and them, because this criticism will suck the life out of you. 

 And yet we do this to ourselves all the time, especially at the end of the day. You may have had good intentions that morning and then come evening,  look at what you didn't do and say, “what's wrong with me?  What's wrong with me?”  Would a good friend talk to you this way?  Would a good friend say, “I don't like you. 

I want to see a new you.”

 Absolutely not.  A good friend would listen attentively.  Empathize with your frustration.  Encourage you. Have confidence in you. Celebrate your wins, no matter how small.  Help you remember why  this is so important to you, whatever it is that you want to accomplish.  And a good friend would support you in what makes you happy and your desire to be the best version of yourself. 

In other words, a good friend would love you,  despite your humanness. Because of your humanness. Because you're real. You're not perfect. A human is not a machine. Someone who wants to grow, but is also amazing right now. That's what being human is. We can't flip a switch and become  a new us, okay?  We are human. 

So I want you to think about change, and think about how you want to show up in your life in 2025, what you want to stand for in 2025,  and as part of this, please recognize  we all have a nagging, meddling part of ourselves who is trying to help, but sucking the lifeblood out of us by being critical. Everybody has this part of them. I don't care who you are.  This is a part of you. It's part of being a human being.  

So let's explore some things you might say to yourself that can keep you stuck.  And I want you to be attentive. When you hear yourself saying one of these things,  just say, “Okay, there's one of the things on my list.”  Be curious. Celebrate when you hear yourself say these things over and over because, I mean, if you catch yourself saying these things over and over,  this is evidence that you're becoming a good listener to yourself.  But what's key is, don't buy into it. It's just blah, blah, blah, background noise. Okay? Don't give it your full attention.  Just recognize it for what it is. 

All right, so here we go. Ready? Here are some examples of mindsets that can keep you stuck, so you might want to make a note of these so that you can be curious and listen for these and catch them when they come up in your mind. 

 Okay, number one.  Always and never.  When did you ever use these words in a positive way about yourself?  Not often, right? Instead, if you are using words like Always and never about yourself. It's more like,  “I'm always late. I can never stick with a diet.” In other words, global self criticism. Not helpful. 

Number two, labeling.  “I'm _________.”  Okay, so if always and never are red lights, labeling is a yellow light. Proceed with caution.  So labeling looks like this. “I'm lazy. I'm a perfectionist.”  When you do this, you're putting yourself in a box and programming your mind to look for all the evidence this is true.  Be very careful about what labels you put on yourself, even if they seem positive. 

I hear people do this in a positive way. I do this to myself in a positive way and catch myself. Uh, things like, I'm an extrovert. I'm an Enneagram 3, whatever it is. You just want to kind of notice, hmm, okay, to what extent is this label I'm putting on myself helpful or harmful?  

Number three. Comparison to others. “Why can't I stick to a budget? Other people have enough money to take a nice vacation. I can't seem to do that. “ Ugh, awful.  When you compare yourself to others, it squashes your uniqueness because you're looking outside yourself, rather than appreciating who you are.  

Number four, blaming things you can't control. “I can't get ahead in this capitalist society. I'm a slave to my job.  Or, I'll never lose weight because my spouse keeps bringing home junk food, even though I've told them over and over not to.”  Okay, this kind of thinking can grow like a cancer, because if we keep focusing on things we can't control, we don't have to keep a commitment to ourselves. 

It's really natural to do this, because it gets you off the hook, so to speak, but it's, it just keeps you from moving in the direction that you want.  “I wanted to get fit, but they raised the price of my gym membership, so I dropped my gym membership. They're just out for money.”  See how this works? Now you don't have to go to the gym because, because they raised the cost. You also don't have to hold yourself accountable for keeping fit because they made this decision that ruined your fitness plan.  

Okay, number five. Judging how much you've accomplished.  “I've been really good with my diet. I deserve a reward.  Or I've been really unproductive at work. I need to go into the office Saturday. “

Okay. Giving yourself a reward or taking something away, like your free time on a Saturday may not be terrible on its own, but this one is a yellow light. You want to be careful about this one because a good friend would care about you unconditionally. A good friend would celebrate your wins with you, but not judge whether you deserve something or not. A good friend would empathize with you, feeling bad about not being productive at work. And a good friend would help you brainstorm solutions and support you if you decided you wanted to go in Saturday. But they would not act like, “well, you brought this on yourself.” That would not be being a good friend. 

So I really hope 2025 is a year when you become a better and better friend to yourself. Because with that mindset, you can live a more fulfilling, priority centered life. And that is what I wish for you, with all of my heart.  

 And if you want to clarify your goals for 2025, I invite you to join me for the Values and Vision Party, Saturday, January 25th at 11 a. m. Pacific, 2 p. m. Eastern, and for our international listeners, that's 7 p. m. GMT. 

 This won't be a run of the mill workshop. I will be asking thought provoking questions to help you truly learn from 2024 and create vision boards of what you want for 2025.  You can access free Canva templates to create your vision boards, or you can use your favorite craft supplies. It's entirely up to you, but this is going to be a fun and meaningful 90 minutes. So sign up today at www.prior10.com/vision. I'll see you there.